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Nice council seat you have there

March 13, 2014

It’d be a real shame if anything happened to it.

Taxi Publication Threatens To Expose ‘Secretly Gay’ Aldermen If City Doesn’t Ban Ride-Sharing

CHICAGO (CBS) – A trade newspaper for the city’s taxi industry has threatened to out five aldermen who it claims are “secretly gay,” unless the City Council bans ride-sharing services like Uber, Lyft, and SideCar.

In an editorial in The Chicago Dispatcher, publisher George Lutfallah said the trade publication “has learned that five of the city’s 50 aldermen are closeted homosexuals. In the next issue of this newspaper, set to be published early next month, we will disclose their names unless our demands are met.”

Among a list of 10 demands, Lutfallah said he wants the city to ban ride-sharing services, and to “actively enforce” the current regulations for taxis.

“The city is moving forward and will steamroll our industry if we don’t act in earnest. They did it to my grandfather more than a hundred years ago when they destroyed his horse-drawn-carriage business by allowing horseless machines to carry people around the city,” he wrote.

It’s unclear if the editorial was meant as satire, especially since Lutfallah also demanded the City Council ban the Internet and require people to buy newspapers; and change the name of the Willis Tower back to the Sears Tower. Those are two demands the City Council hardly has the power to meet or enforce.

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